


Words are knives and often leave scars

by anna_sun



Category: Video Blogging RPF, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, M/M, but its cool, its not fluffy, its short, um idk, you get to see like stuff that happened when they were happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 15:56:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5381165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_sun/pseuds/anna_sun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their first big fight happens at Tyler's home, out of all places. </p>
<p>//Troye and Connor fighting and basically breaking up because I'm a fucking masochist//</p>
            </blockquote>





	Words are knives and often leave scars

**Author's Note:**

> I'm supposed to be writing something else but this happened anyways

It happens when they're at Tyler's home, out of all places. He and Connor have been sitting side by side, knees touching and hearts beating fast, and Troye has been content with that so far. At first it doesn't feel like Connor's a thousand miles away.

It's later, when Troye places one hand on his thigh and Connor tenses up. When Troye's fingertips are itching to touch Connor's skin in any way possible and Connor stands up to go get himself a drink.

Tyler looks up from his phone and smiles at Troye before saying,

''You know, when you guys told me you were together, I thought I'd have to handle a shit ton of cuddles and making out and stuff.'' Tyler laughs like what he's saying is funny before adding, ''To be honest not a lot has changed.''

It flips a switch in Troye.

When Connor comes back with three beers and sits back down, their knees aren't touching anymore.

-

''Are you ashamed of us? Or just of me?''

It's past 2 AM and they're in the guest room, Tyler having convinced both of them they were too drunk to go back home. Which they weren't, Uber would have done just fine, but Tyler was good at convincing people.

Troye regrets not insinsting to go back home as soon as the words leave his mouth. He doesn't want to fight with Connor ever, but especially not here, where they don't even have the luxury of raising their voices.

Connor's brows are furrowed when he removes his t shirt, getting ready to get into bed.

Troye doesn't. He stands still and waits for an answer.

''What are you talking about?''

Troye sighs, passing a hand in his hair and trying to stay calm. 

''When we're alone you're the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. But, as soon as someone else is in the room, it's like I'm just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.'' 

It didn't make sense, because Tyler knew about them and Connor acted like they still needed to hide. It had been three months since they were out to their friends and Troye realized just now it never quite felt like it. All the times they could have cuddled while watching a movie, all the times they could have been holding hands, all the times they could have shared food and kissed. Simply all the times they could have looked like a couple, but didn't. 

''I'm just,'' Connor pauses, ''I'm not used to it yet.''

Troye doesn't think before saying, 

''It's been 3 months, we've been together for about 5. What the fuck are you not used to?'' 

Connor bitterly laughs, and if Troye didn't know him he would almost be scared. 

''I've never been able to be myself in public. Not until only a year ago. I'm not even sure I'm comfortable being myself when I'm by myself, I'm not used to being...'' Connor searches for the right word. ''open, when other people are present.''

Troye nods, tries to remain calm even if his heart could well be beating out of his chest and punching Connor in the face right now. He has to look away from him when he says, 

''Not used to being open?'' He takes a deep breath, repeats the question like Connor didn't make himself very clear. ''Connor, nobody cares. Everybody loves you, you didn't get one single bad reaction after coming out. Yet you're still so fucking afraid. It just feels like you're crawling back into hiding and pulling me in with you.''

Troye looks at Connor then and recognizes that face. His head thrown back, eyes closed, lips trembling and mouth shut.

It feels like all of his limbs fall to the floor when he asks him, 

''Were you not ready?''

The first tears shed that night are from Connor's eyes, down his cheeks. Some part of Troye just wants to get close to him and kiss them away, to show him how much he cares. But he can't, not when he's mad like this, not when every reason why their relationship felt wrong in a way have just been revealed. 

''I don't know,'' is Connor's only response, and that says enough.

Troye sits on the bed and Connor walks around the room, breathing heavily probably to try and compose himself.  

''I didn't force you out of the closet, Connor.''

Troye's words are flowing right out of his mouth and he's still so angry some tears are flowing, too. He doesn't expect Connor to say anything, thinking he got the last word in, because Connor _chose_ this, chose to come out to Troye and to everyone and yet, here they were.

Connor spits his next words like they're poison, and Troye knows from the look on his face afterwards that he'd been holding it in for a while.

''You kind of did, Troye!''

Silence.

Overwhelming silence, silence that makes both of their hearts stop pumping for a second. 

''What?'' Troye asks when his brain understands the sentence, wishing for Connor to take it back. Wishing for him to say he didn't mean it even if they both knew he did. He wished for him to say anything, because if Connor really believed those words, they had a completely different side of their story.

''You kind of forced me out of the closet.'' Connor repeats the words more calmly, proving that they weren't only said in a rush of anger. At first, Troye doesn't know what to do with that admission. He thinks about all the skype calls they made when they weren't yet together, when Connor's anxiety was getting the best of him and Troye tried so hard to make him understand he had all the time in the world. When Troye was the only soul on Earth who knew, and he did his best to give him good advice _exactly_ thinking he shouldn't try to push it too much.

And then he thinks about when the flirting between the two of them became more obvious, when the goodnight texts started being followed by heart Emojis and when the world stopped spinning the night Connor said ''I think I like you more than just friends''.   

And Troye _knew_ it was unhealthy and selfless to get in a relationship with someone still in the closet but suddenly Connor was coming out on his own. Troye was too happy to question it, only screamed in joy and told his boyfriend he was proud of him. Their relationship was still a secret but it felt like a step in the right direction, at least to Troye.

He doesn't understand what went wrong. It felt like Connor decided to turn left instead of right, leaving him behind.

Connor continues talking when Troye gives no answer.

''You were constantly saying things like 'I can't wait to hold your hand in public' and 'I really wish I could kiss you right now' and fuck, you didn't realize it but it, it hurts. I was holding your happiness back, and yeah your smile when I told you I wanted to start telling people seemed like it made all the embarrassment and stress worth it but... it doesn't.''

Troye stands up and it's his turn to laugh at Connor because _he can't believe it_.    

''Oh my god,'' they're looking at each other, and Troye doesn't know what he sees in Connor's eyes, but he knows his own must be full of pitiful rage. ''You're unbelievable. What, you didn't trust me enough to tell me all of that before? It seemed like a better option to let me fall in love with you and then tell me you just weren't ready for it after all?''

Troye would have been fine waiting a bit more for Connor to be ready. Maybe it just hurt more to think Connor couldn't even talk to him about his doubts, after all the times he'd been there for him.

Connor chose to lie and pretend instead. And maybe Troye's anger came from a place of sadness, and maybe it wasn't fair to Connor, but he couldn't hold it in. It wasn't fair to him either. 

''I love you'', Connor says in between sobs.

_I love you so much_ , Troye wants to say back. 

''I need time,'' is what comes out instead. 

When he steps out of the room, it really does feel like Connor's standing a thousand miles away from him. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, every comment and kudos is really appreciated <3 
> 
> Hmu on Tumblr, I'll take prompts!! My url is featdean


End file.
